“Will
You Marry Me?”
Part X
How much do you know about marriage?
In observance of humanity, I am persuaded to believe that too many know too
little about this subject. I invite you to study this very important theme
as God has instructed and instituted this union.
The need is obvious. It is obvious by the fact that two out of three
marriages end in divorce today (a stat that has even found its way into the
“Body of Christ”). It is obvious
by the advice given by marriage counselors, preachers, in-laws, lawyers,
advice columnists, and by this entire like. It is obvious by the attitude of
many of our civil authorities, Senators, representatives, and so on. It is
obvious by the teaching that our children are exposed to in our public
schools.
It is interesting to note that none of the above, including most preachers,
refer to God’s word in dealing with marital problems, or even teaching in
advance the understanding of marriage as God has revealed it. God’s word
affirms that there is not a problem that a husband or wife may have that God
doesn’t answer.
The key is:
APPLICATION!!!
In our last lesson, we went into a great deal of detail concerning
“Understanding”. In this lesson,
we want to build on this attitude and develop additional attitudes to help
us be successful in our unions.
Trust
Trust is another necessary ingredient to a happy marriage. Trust is almost
entirely built upon understanding. Without the proper understanding, there
will be only the lack of trust. In order for marriage to work there must be
trust; trust that is not lopsided.
Husbands cannot expect the wife to do all of the trusting; and wives
likewise. A fact that must not be over-looked is the fact that trust has to
be deserved or earned. In other words, if one is to trust the other, the
other must first be trustworthy! Trustworthiness is made up of honesty,
integrity, dependability, and understanding.
If you cannot trust your husband or wife, I strongly urge us to take a long
hard look in the mirror. You just might find the cause!
Trustworthiness in marriage will dispel envy, jealousy, hatred, and most
fights between husbands and wives. Trust is powerful enough, coupled with
understanding, to put the divorce courts out of business.
Hebrews 13:18
“Pray for us; for we are confident that we have a good
conscience, in all things desiring to live honorably.”
The Hebrew
writer tells us that confidence (from the Greek,
‘Peitho’, which is also
translated ‘trust’), is necessary to live honorably. This would include
marriage (all things), and mentioned as an honorable union in
verse 4.
Giving and Taking -
Marriage is not all give and not all take. Unhappy marriages are often found
in unions where one of the parties is expected to do all of the taking while
the other does all of the giving.
A domineering husband expects his wife to give in to his every whim (apart
from the understanding we have already established in
Ephesians 5:28-29). He thinks that because he is the head of the
home that everything has to go his way.
A wife that has been badly spoiled by her parents and has gotten her way in
everything while growing up will many times carry this same selfish attitude
over into her marriage.
Where either of these examples or any other contradiction to the roles
established by God for a united and harmonious union exist, an unhappy
marriage exists.
Another way to express this attitude is in the ability to
SHARE; yes, and another is
COMPROMISE.
Now, we know that there are areas in marriage where compromise will not
work. The husband cannot compromise his headship and there is no way that
the wife can compromise her responsibility to bear children (for example).
Where God has given specific command, there cannot be compromise; but, where
God has given liberty, in areas of judgment, or opinion, the husband and
wife must compromise, share, agree, and or give and
take.
The key to being able to successfully give and take is found in
understanding and trust in your partner. An understanding as to why your
partner wants to do this or that or go here or there when you do not approve
of the idea will enable you to go so far as your godly instruction allows
(we must abhor evil in any form –
Romans 12:9;
1
Thessalonians 5:22). By the same token if one understands why one
does not want to go along with an idea, a compromise can be likewise
reached.
An example: You are planning what is to be the menu for supper and the
husband wants steak, and the wife wants tacos; and although this is an
extremely simple example, many vicious fights start with things as simple as
this. Simply agree to have one tonight and one tomorrow.
If you do not already give and take in your courtship, begin now to do so
and see how much happier you both will be. If you have trouble giving and
taking now, you might be guilty of stubbornness or selfishness or both!
Communication
-
Many marriages are not what they ought to be because those involved do not
communicate. There is little difficulty in talking about things that have
nothing to do with marriage. We can communicate about everything, but where
we have trouble, is in the area of talking about
US!
I openly admit that I suffer from this myself; I am one who internalizes his
thoughts most of the time, whereby depriving my partner of needed
information for understanding.
How often do we tell our partners how much we love them and appreciate them,
and thank them for their consideration and understanding toward us, and
extend to them words of encouragement and endearment?
How often do we share what troubles us (especially us men, thinking that we
are protecting our spouse as we withhold our troubles)?
In all too many cases of marriages, all of this went out with the courtship.
Let’s consider a question, who says that the courtship is to stop at the
marriage ceremony?
In fact, if you want a truly happy marriage, never allow the courtship to
STOP!
Marriage, like a beautiful plant must grow, and courtship is essential to
its growth. Now, are you able to communicate during the courtship? If you
cannot communicate right now, how do you expect to do this when you are
married?
Husbands and wives must be able to confide in each other, they ought to be
able to talk to each other about anything; discuss their likes and dislikes
in a calm, reasonable, trusting manner, rather than at the top of their
lungs in a fit of anger.
Consider the example of the doctrine of Christ on behalf of the bride of
Christ. Remember that the marriage relationship is used to describe the
relationship between Christ and His bride (The body of Christ, the church).
His doctrine allows for the bride then to know all things necessary to
please the Husband and then to receive the full measure of His saving love (Ephesians
5:22-30).
To this end, we the bride of Christ must be ready to receive His
communication in this fashion, especially when dealing with the
“word of truth” (James
1:18), note:
James 1:19-20
“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift
to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;
20
for the
wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
For all of us in the marriage relationship, this sets the properties for
proper communication and the need to avoid that which undermines it!
Next: “In Our Final Lesson, Should a Christian
Marry a Non-Christian?”